First and foremost, for those who don’t know, I’m a huge Tekken fan – been with the franchise from the start. The fighting engine has always been fun and unique compared to other 3d fighters (dig air juggling or not…) and it’s still the one fighting game I always resort to when I got a room filled with newbies and pros alike who want to duke it out. Overall though, the main thing that always had me coming back to Tekken was its sadistic storyline – what other fighting game spans three generations of anger and betrayal between a bloodthirsty demented and extremely violent family?

“Wait, so the main character, Kazuya, is entering the Tekken tournament to kill his own FATHER, Heihachi, because when he was a child, Heihachi threw him off a cliff to get rid of him? …awesome.” – Me finding out about Tekken 1’s storyline.

“Wait, so Jin comes out of hiding only because he is trying to kill Kazuya, his father, and Heihachi, his grandfather, and both of them want to kill him? Annnnd these people are supposed to be family!? …awesome” – Me finding out about Tekken 4’s storyline

The storyline continues to get deeper and darker every installment and always warps the lives of misfortunate fighters by trapping them in the crossfire of this bloodline feud.

Now, when I heard about the new Tekken Movie: Blood Vengeance (IN 3D !!!… WHOOP DE DO!) I had my average exciting news fit and scoured the internets for clips and trailers while sending info to any of the basement members who would give a damn. This movie was supposed to be different — we all know video game adaptations made by Hollywood don’t have a great track record of being enjoyable. Hell, Tekken already had a live action Hollywood movie released in 2010 which kept the horrible track record in tact. Blood Vengeance on the other hand, was a CGI movie handled by the same team from the game and was penned by Dai Sato – the writer from “Cowboy Bebop” and “Samurai Champloo” . Full of win, right!? RIGHT!?

“ This is gonna be sooo tight!!” — I said to myself over the course of 3 weeks waiting for the one night only premiere event….

As the movie started I realized the vocal track was in English (I’m a stickler on movies and shows being in their original language – especially anime.) Okay, this isn’t a deal breaker as long as the voice acting was good…..

-Nope

Um, okay…fine then, it’s cool…If the story is still good and I get to see a lot of my favorite Tekken characters then everything will be fine…

-Nope

Really? What the hell is going on – this is supposed to be a non-Hollywood version of a video-game movie – I.E. actually good! Alright fine! Screw a good story then! Just make sure there is so much action throughout this whole piece that I forget a good story is necessary!

-Nope

………..

WTF!? This movie wasn’t produced and directed by Uwe Boll right? (low blow, I know…) Ugh…let me try and share my frustration with you people and break down the film.

The story begins with Nina Williams running into her sister/arch rival Anna. Both are working for each of the current dueling super powers of the Tekken-verse. Nina working for Mishima Zaibatsu, run by Jin Kazama and Anna working for G corporation, run by Kazuya Mishima. Nina and Anna duke it out because Nina stole some information that both companies wanted to get there hands on. Once the sexy fight is over, Anna calls reinforcements and Nina gets away.

MUH FUGGIN PANDA
MUH FUGGIN PANDA

Cut to happy-go-lucky with a bit of an attitude but can still kick your butt no matter what you say, Chinese martial artist and Tekken vet Xiaoyu. She is also riding a MUH FUGGIN PANDA to school at break-neck speed because she’s um, late for class. Xiaoyu is summoned to the principal’s office and for no reason and Anna is there. Anna tells Xiaoyu that she is expelled and wants her to become a spy for G Corporation. Her new assignment is to tail a kid Shin um (forgot his last name) whatever – he’s basically a Japanese emo Sasuke 2.0 (for those of familiar with Naruto) and find out everything about him. She’s hesitant at first, but then accepts because of the off chance that she might run into Jin Kazama by working for G corporation….oh and the guy she’s suppose to tail is hot…….???? Whatever.

So at the new international school – this Shin kid, falls from the sky…literally, and Xiaoyu reacts by jumping off a tree with some super ninja flip and gracefully catches him in mid-air, saving him. Now this ungrateful suicidal prick gets up and says “whatever, I slipped” flips his hair and walks off all cool-like…..I already hate this guy (Character made just for the movie btw – how fortunate for us!). Then Xiaoyu bumps into Alisa botswanoahahanvitch, she’s the robot chick from Tekken 6 that can pop chainsaws out of her arms…..yeah. She tells Xiaoyu that this is the 2nd or 3rd time this ass has tried to kill himself and that the first time he literally fell on top of her. She now claims that she has a crush on him because……he’s hot?

By the end of the flick you will wish he succeeded in killing himself.
By the end of the flick you will wish he succeeded in killing himself.

Xiaoyu does some more snooping and finds out Shin went to the same school as herself and Jin. She then peaks on him in the shower…?? Alisa catches Xiaoyu taking a peep and confronts her about it – Xiaoyu, quick on her feet, tells Alisa that she has a crush on Shin too and that she is definitely not a spy or anything. Alisa states that this now makes them a rival for shin’s love! Oh goodie….

The rest of the movie follows these two chicks trying to figure out everything about Shin – reminded me of the Scooby-Doo episodes where Daphne and Velma teamed up and looked for clues and the whole time you were thinking “I wonder what Scooby and Shaggy are up too?”. They find out that Shin was part of a Devil gene experiment and that both G corporation and Mishima Zaibatsu wants to put him under a microscope to harness his power. Shin then gets kidnapped – by who? we don’t know — we also find out that Alisa too, is a spy working for Mishima Zaibatsu and when both of the girls find out each other is a spy…..they then decide to fight it out!

Now the Alisa vs. Xiaoyu fight scene was cool until Anna comes down with her G corporation army to help Xiaoyu by blowing Alisa to bits. Xiaoyu of course, realizes she loves her new robot friend and decides to go against G corp. by protecting her. Now both of them are about to be blown to smithereens when DA MUH FUGGIN PANDA comes to save them. Sure. K. I feel ya bro….

Now on the run, Alisa and Xiaoyu team up once again to go and look for Shin – cuz they love him ? Or want to save him ? Or something – oh and Xiaoyu tells Alisa she reminds her of a refrigerator she used to lean against when she was a kid…

This solidifies their friendship.

Then they find out Shin is held up in a castle in Kyoto and goes to rescue him. Little do we know, Shin arranged the whole kidnapping himself because he wanted to lure out Jin, Kazuya, and get this !! dun dun duhhhhh – HEIHACHI! – who has just been chilling in the castle since his presumed death months prior — awesome.

So we got Shin sitting in the middle of the room showing off his sweet looking tattoo on his arm, Jin, Kazuya, and Heihachi in triangle formation around him starting each other down, which would be the moment I’ve wanted since the beginning of this movie – The crazy family feud stuff. But we still have the girls, Alisa and Xiaoyu, in the middle yapping for them to stop fighting and to see if their dreamboat Shin is okay….UGH!

Where were you this whole movie homie !? Don't show up at the end and think everything is cool between us....
Where were you this whole movie homie !? Don't show up at the end and think everything is cool between us....

After Shin finishes he’s peep show of his cool tatt, he rips off his shirt and goes Devil gene version of the Hulk and rushes at Heihachi. Shin wants revenge for the shit they did to him…ya know the experiments — whatever, I lost interest. So we finally get to see the mysterious, all powerful Shin in action and what happens? Heihachi grabs his little bitch ass and gives him a Guile –esque back breaker and what?…….KILLS HIM! YEP – DEAD. SWEET. Now I would’ve been happy to see him go, only I didn’t see any reason for his character in the first place so now I’m even more pissed that he died so easily!! UGH! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?

Then Xiaoyu – this silly girl over here—she has the audacity to scream out a Darth-Vader -in Episode-3- like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” I wanted to stab her jugular vein at this point. With Shin dead, the men of the Mishima-clan now push the girls out the way and start an every man for himself, full power, epic rumble. Now I would have been excited for this If the damn movie didn’t make me sit thru 60 mins of super happy girl fun time hell to get to it….It’s like if you got so full off of a horrible dinner that you had no desire for the bomb ass dessert afterwards – no matter how much chocolaty goodness it was covered in. After an elaborate 2 minute fight scene – Heihachi is taken out by Jin, leaving Kazuya and Jin alone so they can go Devil mode and continue to beat the shit out of each other while they girls scream for them to stop fighting. Later Heihachi releases a Mokujin tomb at the bottom of the castle and turns into a wooden gundam – I shit you not. Then Alisa does a rocket punch – Jin tells anyone else who wants to challenge him to “bring it” then he flies off …..

HEIHACHI MOKUJIN GUNDAM SYSTEM LAUNCH!!  -- wait what ?
HEIHACHI MOKUJIN GUNDAM SYSTEM LAUNCH!! -- wait what ?

END

Oh and after the credits the girls decide to make a “theme park” and enter the next fighting tournament.

Yeah – so if you understood anything from my explanation of the movie I commend you. I, myself was wondering what the hell I was writing as I was writing it but that is pretty much how the movie went – oh yeah, all of that with bad English voice acting – sooo. All in all, I’m a pissed Tekken fan who will be skipping out on the release of Tekken Hybrid, now that I know it’s a 49.99 price tag for a HD graphic PS2 launch game, since the movie is nothing to look forward too. This is all of course my opinion, but I DARE ANY ONE OUT THERE to tell me about the “enjoyable” parts about this movie, I will guarantee you didn’t see the same movie as me….

-Vince

  • BronxJeter

    Nice review very well written. I would have to agree with you.It reminds me when my face melted when i heard they were making a Final Fantasy movie. I did not sleep for-eva.Back then the internet was just taking off and there were very little discussions. All I knew was I was going to be the 1st in line to buy a ticket. Well that day came and I was so excited and screamimg with joy as if I won the lottery. I was so sad afterwards, no Cloud, no Tifa, Aeris? WTF?! I was pissed and ruined until they finally made Advent Children, but even then there were some flaws. Same dissappointment with the Transformer Michael Bay crap!

  • Tchan5158

    I just finished seeing it.  My head is still hurting.

    Knowing absolutely nothing about the series, I watched that other movie….live action Tekken.  And….I actually prefer to watch that instead of this.  Seriously.  At least that one doesn’t have MUH FUGGIN PANDA, happy girl fun time, and wooden Gundam.  

    Oh god…just typing that made my head hurt more…..  

  • Kronoseast

    best reviewer ever also the movie was shit